Tiny Houses & My Unhealthy Addiction To HGTV

Don’t ask me why, because there really is no good reason for it at the moment, but The Keeper and I (more I) have become completely addicted to HGTV. It started with the House Hunters series. Especially House Hunters: International. It was just so cool to see living spaces in other countries. And so cool to see living spaces that we could probably never afford. And so much fun to yell at people being stupid or ridiculous in their expectations or overly picky about things that really should not matter. But it didn’t stop there.

We started watching My First Place, Property Virgins, Holmes Inspection, Room Crashers, Holmes on Homes, Yard Crashers, Curb Appeal, and now All American Handyman. We’ve also watched a couple episodes of Design Stars, though neither of us is really all that interested in it. That one has mostly just been background noise once it gets too late for us to want to switch the channel and get invested in something. However, the most recent episode of Design Star introduced me to something that I think is super fun: Tiny Houses.

 

Apparently, these itty-bitty homes are a new trend among individuals and couples who want to live more of a green, small carbon footprint lifestyle. And they can be SUPER CUTE!

On the aforementioned episode of Design Star, the three remaining contestants each had to design the interior of one of these types of homes. The idea was to see who could use the minuscule space best while also making it aesthetically pleasing. 

They all did a pretty good job, but I realized something tonight when this episode was re-run and I had it on in the background. Every single one of them used the space just above the rafters as a sleeping space. They each had a carpenter assigned to them who could make anything they wanted to put into the space, but all of them chose to put the bed in the rafters. How did this show get down to the final three with such uncreative people?

The rafter space could have been some truly awesome storage. I’m sure they could have figured out some kind of drop down drawer configuration that would have been totally unique. And all of them missed the PERFECT opportunity for using Murphy Beds. They could have made a single person Murphy Bed that had a fold out table on the bottom so when the bed is up, a table could come out. Or, they could have made a two person Murphy Bed in two sections. One section could serve as a couch when the other section is folded up against the wall, and that other section could have the table underneath.

And that is exactly what I’m going to do if The Keeper and I ever decide we want a vacation home.

Sporcle

I read a blog post recently about making sure you learn something new every day. It was one of those “keep your mind active”, “exercise your mind” type posts. And it put me in a mood to do one of those timed “name all the _______” quizzes, which is something I do from time to time anyway when I’m bored.

So I did a quick google search and I was soon on Sporcle. I’m not really sure what the name is supposed to mean, but the “games” section is fantastic. Especially with regard to the type of quizzes I was looking for. I started out with the simple “U.S. States” quiz where you have to name all the states in something like 5 minutes. Usually when I haven’t done this in a while I’ll miss one or two of the states I never have cause to think about in my daily life. Like Nebraska. Who thinks about Nebraska? Ya know, unless they live there. Anyhow, I don’t like to do these over and over because when you run out of time the ones you missed are displayed, and I feel it’s kind of cheating to look over the answers and then immediately go and retake the quiz. So I had to find another one to divert my focus before going back to try again.

I chose Countries of Europe.

 

Then, after switching back and forth between the US and Europe, I added South America.

 
Since there are only 12 countries in South America, it didn’t take me long to get them memorized. So I added Africa.

Once I had all 47 countries of Europe, all 12 countries of South America and the majority of Africa memorized, I decided to take on naming all the countries of the world.

I quickly realized that this was going to be more difficult than each of the little regional quizzes, because the world map is so much smaller that once you start naming things the names start to cover up the map and I had been remembering some countries based on their location on the map. I’m not doing too badly though. I can name about 150 of the 196 countries on the World quiz.

How many countries can you name?

Things I Don’t Understand…

During my looooong break from blogging there were a few things that came to my attention that just make absolutely no sense to me, or that I just don’t know the answer to or understand the reasoning behind. I considered writing about them individually, giving my opinions based on my extremely limited understanding, and then letting readers correct or applaud or call me an idiot depending on what they felt appropriate. But it occurred to me that doing things that way might not actually be the best way to educate myself. The posts (at least one of them) would probably end up being pretty inflammatory, which would mean the responses would probably be more accusatory than enlightening. So here’s what I’m going to do instead. I’m going to ask my questions in the least judgmental way I can come up with. Then I want you all to comment and try to educate me in the comments. And whether anyone replies or not, I’ll make follow up posts expressing my opinions. Sound like a plan? Good, then here are the questions:

• Why do people whose children have extremely kinky, curly hair allow them to get it straightened when they know how harsh and harmful the chemicals required to do so are?
• Why do people pay exorbitant amounts of money, money which in many cases might be better spent on things like food, shelter and clothing for themselves and/or their children, on hair weaves?
• What exactly is offensive about the word “midget”?
• Is there some reason that every time I see a girl with Down Syndrome, they always have the exact same haircut? Not the guys. The guys seem to either have differing haircuts, or they’re less noticeable or something. But all the girls I see with Down Syndrome seem to have the exact same hair and I just want to know whether there’s some reason for that.

Now, please, educate me.

(Note: It has been almost two months since I posted this and I have gotten zero comments or emails trying to give me some perspective on these questions. So I have decided to just ignore this post’s existence until someone bothers to comment on it. )

Campbell’s Noodle Soup

Best. Sick. Food. Ever.

Seriously, this stuff is amazing for when you’re sick. Way better than normal chicken noodle soup. And it’s pretty damn good when you’re not sick too.

Product Review

So I realize this is a little out of the ordinary for this blog. Usually if I’m reviewing something it’s a movie, or a video game, or a restaurant. I don’t even have a “persona” that I feel like this even fits into, which is why I’m posting this under Platypus Prime. And to be completely honest, I’m still a little undecided on the product I’m about to review here. But for some reason I feel compelled to write about this. So here goes.

I posted a question on FetLife recently. In another thread I’d seen more than one person talking about how they don’t shave their nether regions, they use a hair removal cream for sensitive areas. No one said what brand of cream they used though, so I asked. I wanted to know what people were using, because every time I looked into using these types of cream the instructions have said not to use them in the area I wanted to use them. I was expecting a bunch of people to mention Nair and Veet, and hopefully elaborate so that I wouldn’t feel intimidated by the instructions on those products anymore. And a few people did mention those, but a few others suggested something I never would have thought to use.

SoftSheen-Carson brand Magic Razorless Cream Shave

 
(The tube I got was green, but this is the best picture I could find.)

Actually, the recommendation I got was for the powdered version that you mix with water to make the cream, but I didn’t see that when I went to CVS and I wasn’t too keen on mixing it up anyway if there was a ready made cream available.

Anyhow, the reason I never would have even known this existed is because it is a men’s product. More specifically, it is a black men’s product. Apparently black men have trouble with razor bumps, so SoftSheen created something for them to use on their faces that didn’t involve a razor. And, according to the people in my FetLife discussion, it works really well on girly naughty bits as well as legs, underarms and anywhere else you have hair you want to get rid of. So I got some and today I tried it.

It was weird.

First, it smells kinda weird. I’ve been trying to come up with a way to describe the smell, or something to compare it to, and I’ve got nothing. It’s just weird.

Next, it seems to be water resistant. After I slathered some on my mons I tried to rinse off the cream that was left on my fingers. Regardless of water temperature it just kind of sat there. I had to rub to get it off. Not such a big deal for my hands, but when it came time to remove the cream and hair it was a bit annoying. See, I was using a plastic card (think credit card, or a restaurant rewards card) because one of the people who’d suggested this product said that’s what his girl uses. The problem is that after a couple passes with the card, there’s a buildup of cream. Rinsing wasn’t working. Annoying.

Finally, the results are kind of mixed. I used it on my mons and on one leg. It left stubble on my mons instead of smooth skin. But it seems to have worked pretty well on my leg.

I think I’m going to keep using it, try to get used to using it. At least until I run out, since I don’t want to waste it.

Johnny Depp Is Seriously Awesome

I have always been a HUGE fan of Johnny Depp, and now I have yet another reason to love him. In addition to being a spectacular actor and hot as hell, he also does random cool shit like visiting children who have written him letters at school in full pirate garb.

And the girl who wrote him the letter is pretty awesome herself. She addressed it to his Pirates of the Caribbean character and requested aide in staging a mutiny at her school. If she’s the type of person who thinks to do something like that at 9 years old, how ridiculously kick ass of a person is she going to be when she gets older?

Everything about this story just makes me happy.

“40 Ways Men Fail in Bed” Deconstructed

I was reading through a group on FetLife (a kink and fetish social networking site, kinda like Facebook but for kink) a little while ago and found this list of “40 Ways Men Fail in Bed” which had been copy and pasted from a joke site. Now, I do realize that having been taken from a joke site this is meant to be a joke… but there were just WAAAY too many points I either personally disagreed with or could see how someone else might like them. So, for fun here is the list and my rebuttals/ opinions/ musings on each:

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

I’m kind of on the fence about this one. On the one hand, I do love a good kiss. On the other, a “properly passionate kiss” very rarely gets me as wet as some other forms of foreplay I can think of, and there are some situations when kissing actually isn’t necessary for good sex. I can even think of one or two circumstances when kissing might actually be a turn off.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

I am behind this 2000000%. Personally, my ears aren’t that much of an erogenous zone to begin with so I don’t really get much out of people doing things to them except on very rare occasions. But even if I liked having someone lick or suck on my earlobes and then blow lightly over the moist flesh, I would NOT want someone to blow directly into my ear canal. I had a boyfriend in highschool who did this once in a non-sexual setting and I started bawling like a baby. It didn’t even physically hurt all that much, though it did hurt a bit. Just something happened in my head between the physical pain and the sound and I just started crying uncontrollably. The fact that he kept fucking doing it over and over because he couldn’t fathom why I was reacting the way I was should have been all the evidence I needed to run away and never go back to him, but I was a teenager and teenagers are idiots sometimes… Point is, I know there are people who might really love their partner to do this to them, but I cannot stand it. I would advise that no man do this unless their partner (no matter what sex or gender their partner is) explcitly asks for it.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

This one is just bullshit. There are plenty of women who love facial hair on their men. There are also plenty who don’t. No one should base their appearance on what they think others are going to find attractive. Focus on what YOU think looks good and what makes YOU happy. It’s all good as long as you practice some basic hygiene.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

I don’t know about most people, but when I’m testing melons at the grocery store I knock on them. Like with my knuckles. I have never heard of or experienced any man KNOCKING on boobs. And even if you change the word “melon” to something that actually might happen, like “peaches” or “tomatoes”, it still doesn’t work because most people don’t get rough when checking such things for ripeness. That would just bruise and/or poke a hole in the fruit. If you’re going to make an analogy, at least make sure it makes sense.

As for the intent behind this one, I both agree and disagree. I don’t particularly like fingers digging into my breast. But I also don’t get anything whatsoever out of touches that are overly gentle. I need a nice firm grip, if anything. That said, there are women who like to have their breasts squeezed roughly with fingers digging in. This is another that I would suggest not doing unless she specifically asks for it. Or, if you have enough dexterity and control, apply very little pressure and increase it slowly until you find the pressure that makes whoever you’re with uncomfortable. Know that limit and stick to it.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

I hate this one. SOME nipples are highly sensitive. Some are not. Even with highly sensitive nipples, some people LOVE teeth on their nipples. Biting does not automatically equal puncturing, ripping or tearing. People have control of their jaws and can easily apply varying degrees of pressure. Again though, due to the ease with which you could cause a great deal of unwanted pain, either don’t do this without being asked or build it up until you find the line. It’s not a difficult thing to do.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

Everything I said about #5, plus some people get virtually nothing from the experience if you focus more on the whole breast. I can have small orgasms just from someone “twiddling” and biting my nipples if they know what they’re doing. Whereas I get almost nothing out of attention to the rest of my breast.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

Ok, this is true about 98% of the time. The other two percent are people who like consensual non-consent play, any time you’re having hot, frantic, I need you RIGHT FUCKING NOW sex, and quickies when you really don’t have a lot of time. If you have some time on your hands, use those hands to touch a few other places.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

I don’t even understand this one. I don’t wear panties, and I haven’t pretty much since I first became sexually active, so I’ve never had this become a problem.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

I agree, but mostly from a practicality standpoint. In my experience, it doesn’t make any sense for the woman to take the condom off for the guy. The potential for the guy to twitch in some way unexpectedly and cause a mess as she’s pulling the condom off is high enough that it makes more sense for the guy to just do it. And if he’s taking it off there’s no reason he can’t throw it away.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

Some people really like pain. This is another that I wouldn’t do unless explicitly asked.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

I don’t think this is just a women thing. I think this is an everyone (with a few non-standard exceptions) thing.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

There are women who get off on being humiliated. Though in general even for them I would agree with this point. Having your shirt stuck as you’re taking it off isn’t terribly humiliating, it’s just kind of silly. Though, that can be a good thing during sex. If you never, ever laugh during sex then you’re probably doing something wrong.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

Um, what? I am thoroughly confused.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

I think for the vast majority of women in most situations this is true. We need time to get wet enough for penetration. If you don’t wait, it can be uncomfortable. If you really have to put your hand down there, focus on the outside until we’re wet enough for you to slip in with minimal friction.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

Do people who are not trained masseuses actually do this*? Regardless of whether it’s sensual or not, if you do this without training you can cause serious damage. Don’t. Just don’t.

*By “do this” I’m just talking about the elbows and knees thing, not massages in general.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

I think I would agree with this from a consent standpoint with a new partner, but you don’t really have much to lose if you’re with someone you’ve been banging for a while. If they’re not in the mood to go quite that far and you know each other pretty well then all that will really happen is you’ll have to put your clothes back on.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks fist.

Meh. Yea, this looks kinda silly… but how much do you want to bet there’s a fetish for this?

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

This is completely and totally subjective. Some girls might want to be pounded hard all the time, some might just like it sometimes, and some not at all. Learn about your partner and you’ll know when you should and shouldn’t do this.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

I’ve had bruises, but never anything as severe as described here. Unless you’re REALLY, REALLY bony (or she is) you’re probably ok.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Yes. Unless orgasm deprivation is an intentional part of your play, definitely make sure you do something to get her there, especially if she had been building up and was almost there and then you came and she didn’t.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

Again, yes. Just yes. And don’t you DARE get angry and petulant if she wants to stop before you’ve come. If it really takes you ages to come and she’s been trying to satisfy you and just can’t take it anymore, then finish yourself off. Don’t be an asshole.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.

I agree, but I wouldn’t judge by noise. Noise can be faked, plus most women actually get quiet at the moment of orgasm. You know how some people will laugh so hard and long that eventually their laughs become silent? Orgasms can be a lot like that. However, muscle spasms and twitching should be a good indicator. Personally, I move and twitch during build up and then my body goes rigid except for a few muscles that spasm. And as for the last part about not asking if you really can’t tell, yea it’s highly likely that if you don’t know then it didn’t happen. If you don’t know, but she did have an orgasm what’s the worst that can happen? You just continue until you’re sure or she stops you. Simple.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

Every girl is different, but I’d say this is probably good advice overall.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

Never, ever say that “all” of anyone hates something. There is ALWAYS an exception.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

I’m tempted to say that if men are expected to recognize when we’ve cum then we should be able to recognize when they’re cumming, but ejaculation and orgasm are not necessarily the same thing. Plus, even if they are there’s a difference between recognizing it as it happens and recognizing it before it happens. So, I’d say overall I agree with this one. Even if she likes the taste and intends to swallow before you even get started, it’s nice to have some notice so you can prepare.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

Again, subjective. Some girls like it when you fuck their face/throat. Just make sure you’re with one of them before you do this.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADVISE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

More laundry to do? Really? You know what would fix that? Taking off your fucking shirt and bra for the blow job. In REAL life this particular sex act has almost nothing to do with laundry and everything to do with personal preferences. Some girls actually do like this. Just find out before you do it and you should be fine.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

I mostly agree with this. Caress, hold, grab, squeeze, smack various parts of her anatomy, pinch and thrust up into her. Don’t just lie there unless you have some medical condition that won’t allow you to really participate. Like if you’re dead. Or paralyzed. Or unless she’s tied you up or otherwise indicated that you are not allowed to move.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

Yes and no. Accidents DO happen. But if it happens more than a couple times, it’s going to be really annoying, even if she is ok with anal.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she’ll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

Disagree. Yes, there are guys who are huge assholes, but I don’t think most of them make this request with the intent of showing others and I don’t think it should be assumed they are. If you don’t trust him not to show people, don’t let him take the picture. It has nothing to do with who has “custody”.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

NOTHING is a no no unless the SPECIFIC woman involved says so (well, except things like murder). Fuck you, discouraging hot wax. Just because it’s not YOUR preference does not mean it’s a “no no”.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

I don’t even understand this. Things happen during sex.

33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

I’m not sure what being Romanian has to do with it, but mostly yea. Don’t automatically assume she’s flexible enough for that position you saw on the internet. Experiment, but take it slow the first time to make sure it will work.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

Which is not to say anal doesn’t feel good for women. It can. Just don’t go searching for something that doesn’t exist.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

Some women wouldn’t bother with the turtlenecks or “jaunty” scarves. If you’re a biter or sucker, just make sure beforehand that she’s into that and where she’s ok with having those marks.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

Again, personal preference. This one doesn’t hurt anyone really, so if it’s your default go ahead and go with it. Just be conscientious enough to ask later if she’s cool with it.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

Yes and no. Some women aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to ask for stuff like this. If you want to test the waters, just start out light. Don’t do things like calling her names at first, give commands and/or describe what you’re going to do to her using dirty words. If she’s into that, wait till later and say she seemed into it and you don’t want to overstep your bounds so ask if you can use other words next time, if she’s ok with name calling etc.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

Overall, yes. There are times when both people don’t have to come. Sometimes some women will get you off just because they enjoy giving you pleasure, just like some men do, but overall, yea.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Yes, and it has nothing to do with men generally weighing more. Even if she weighs more than you, you could conceivably impede her breathing.

40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Personally, I agree with this. I don’t adhere to it. I thank The Keeper, especially if he does something for me I know he’s not particularly fond of or if he does something with absolutely no intent of getting off himself. But most of the time I don’t really want to be thanked for sexual things. Other girls might like it though, so just don’t overdo it and if she says to stop, either stop or make it a very, very occasional thing.

And for pretty much the whole list, keep in mind communication is really the only key. If you communicate and learn each other’s preferences the sex can be amazing.

Oooh, and I just found a “40 Ways Women Fail in Bed” list. Maybe I can persuade The Keeper to make a post about that one? We’ll see.

Pillow Talk: An Introduction To My Strange And Fucked Up Mind

I’m not really sure if this is true of others or not, but I seem to have a lot of odd and/or fucked up conversations during the cuddly afterglow of sex. During the time when most people are whispering sweet nothings or talking about light subjects such as the weather or the agenda for the next day, I end up getting into debates about strange hypothetical situations such as whether or not it would be considered cheating if there were a device which would pull characters out of various media for short periods of time. Or the possible sexual applications of standard D&D spells like hold person or prestidigitation.

The most noteworthy pillow talk debate I’ve gotten into, however, and I think the one that probably says the most about my own fuckedupedness, was about how important an event it is in a man’s day if he somehow gets hit in the nuts. It doesn’t sound all that interesting when described that way, but let me elaborate on the particulars of the conversation and I think it will become clear exactly how fucked up this conversation was…

First, a little background. A few years ago I had a friends with benefits arrangement with my friend Tony. He frequently commented and joked about the strangeness of pillow talk with me. Then, one night after a vigorous round of slap and tickle, the subject of nut shots somehow came up. At this point I have no idea how this topic came up. Perhaps Tony had managed to bang his balls against something accidentally that day, or I vaguely remember him mentioning how his very young nephew occasionally would plop down and catch his nuts on the edge of a seat or something so maybe that’s what brought it up. Whatever the case, Tony posited that no matter what else has happened during a man’s day, if his testicles were at any point, in an way harmed he would end up mentioning it if, say, someone asks how his day is going.

Now, on its face that is a fairly simple, clear cut statement. Not having balls myself I can only really base my understanding on anecdotal evidence, but it seems to be the case that most men feel a great deal of pain when even a small amount of force or pressure is applied to their nuts; so, I can completely understand this occurrence being considered noteworthy. However, on this particular night I latched onto the suggestion that "no matter what else has happened to him that day" a man will always mention the nut shot. I could understand how it would get mentioned in the course of enumerating the events of a fairly normal day, but using the words "no matter what" seemed to include any strange and highly noteworthy occurrence that could possibly be conceived of realistically. So, I started listing off big, important possible occurrences which might make a man forget or neglect to mention his testicular trauma.

In the beginning that sounded something like this:

Me: He gets married, but early in the day something grazes his balls.
Tony: Yea, it’ll get mentioned.
Me: The birth of his first child.
Tony: Still gets mentioned.
Me: He has tickets to the Superbowl and his team wins.
Tony: Still mentioned.
Me: He’s a college football player in his senior year, it’s draft day and he got the call saying he was drafted for ridiculous amounts of money by the team he’s loved since he was 5 years old.
Tony: Still mentioned.

And so on in a similar vein, eventually including negative situations such as vehicular altercations, finding out your significant other in cheating or deaths of loved ones because negative circumstances started to seem more likely to overshadow the nut shot. But Tony’s response to every one was that the nut shot would get mentioned at least in passing. I was not deterred though, I started to come up with more elaborate, and in most cases gruesome, chains of events to try and find one where the nut shot became so insignificant in comparison that it wouldn’t get mentioned.

Me: Ok, black guy in the first half of the 20th century is out in the woods in the deep south at night for some reason. As he’s walking through the woods a low branch happens to swat him in the nuts, and then he stumbles upon a meeting of the KKK. They notice him and decide to tie him up and torture him. They do all kinds of horrible things to him, but they don’t kill him. The next day some people find him battered, bloody and possibly mildly mutilated on the side of a winding country road. When they ask what happened to him, does he mention the branch hitting his nuts.
Tony: Yea, in passing. Like "Well I was out in the woods and a branch hit my nuts and I thought things couldn’t get any worse but…"
Me: Alright… An Ally soldier in WW2 gets separated from his unit and is crossing an area full of trenches. He walks up to one of the trenches and finds a whole mess of Nazis. As he’s trying to quietly retreat and find a different route, a twig snaps and they capture him. This particular unit happen to be particularly sadistic and depraved and decide to gang rape the enemy soldier, beat him severely and then start cutting off extremities. This happens over the next few hours and during the course of it all his balls are hit, probably multiple times. Then they finally leave him for dead bleeding in the trench. He survives in a fevered semi- conscious state for two or three days before a group of Allied soldiers finds him and get him to a hospital behind their lines. Once he’s stable and conscious he’s asked to recount his experience. Does he mention getting hit in the nuts?
Tony: Yep.

I think you get the idea. I came up with some really detailed situations, and every time Tony stuck with his original thesis that the nut shot will come up. Eventually I gave up, though I did not concede. I still believed there had to be some situation where it wouldn’t get mentioned.

Fast forward about 2, 2 1/2 years. Tony, The Keeper and I are all in the car sitting outside his house late at night after going out for some late night Denny’s. Somehow this topic reemerges and I suggest that Holocaust victims probably got kicked in the balls occasionally and that I imagine if I put this question to a Holocaust survivor they would probably feel that all the other torment they endured made the ball kicking kind of irrelevant. Tony considered this for a moment and then finally, after two years of sticking to his guns decided I was probably right about that and conceded.

And how fucked up am I? I got really excited and happy that I’d finally won… by using Holocaust victims as my trump card.

Yea, I’m goin to hell.

A Good Read

The Cajun Boy posted about this a long long time ago and I’ve just recently had the time and inclination to sit down and read the whole thing. It’s a fantastic article written by Truman Capote about Marlon Brando in 1957 for The New Yorker. The really amazing part, coming from the perspective of someone who grew up mostly in the 90s, is exactly how honest Brando is in the article. Not to say that celebrities nowadays aren’t ever honest… but there’s definitely a different quality to Brando’s honesty here. He allowed quotes to be printed that I don’t think most of the big Hollywood celebrities now would ever even mutter for fear that some media outlet would get their hands on it. And while they might not paint him in the most impressive light, they definitely make you feel as though you understand him a little better, know him a little better. The article as a whole makes you dislike and sympathize with him all at once. It’s incredible.

If you want excerpts, click the link I’ve given for The Cajun Boy’s post about this. After having read the article, I can’t really think of any better bits to use than what he already did. Or, just go read the article. It’s called The Duke in His Domain.

Question and Answer

I’ve decided I want to make a FAQ page. I don’t like "About" pages because even when I’m not trying to be anonymous I don’t like just talking about myself. When I meet new people I don’t just start spouting off info about myself, I need questions to get things rolling. So, I figure a page where I’m answering questions might be fun. Sometime today I’ll probably throw up my FAQ page with some weird, random questions I made up myself and the answers. In the meantime, if anyone out there has a question please feel free to ask. You can ask in email or in the comments, either is fine with me. And I don’t care what the question is about. No topic is off limits for asking, though to protect my anonymity I might decide not to answer or to lie in my answer. but that’s part of the fun I think. And if anyone asks a question that I think the answer to would make a fun blog post, I’ll make a blog post out of it and then just link the answer on the FAQ page.

Snow Tits!

Apparently there’s more in Jersey than just guidos! Who knew?

But seriously, I find it really sad that some uptight prick  complained to the police about this snow sculpture. The girl who made it, with her brother, has a good point at the end of the article when she says, "Are you going to go to the Met and cover up all the statues?"

Well This Was No Surprise