I’m not really sure if this is true of others or not, but I seem to have a lot of odd and/or fucked up conversations during the cuddly afterglow of sex. During the time when most people are whispering sweet nothings or talking about light subjects such as the weather or the agenda for the next day, I end up getting into debates about strange hypothetical situations such as whether or not it would be considered cheating if there were a device which would pull characters out of various media for short periods of time. Or the possible sexual applications of standard D&D spells like hold person or prestidigitation.
The most noteworthy pillow talk debate I’ve gotten into, however, and I think the one that probably says the most about my own fuckedupedness, was about how important an event it is in a man’s day if he somehow gets hit in the nuts. It doesn’t sound all that interesting when described that way, but let me elaborate on the particulars of the conversation and I think it will become clear exactly how fucked up this conversation was…
First, a little background. A few years ago I had a friends with benefits arrangement with my friend Tony. He frequently commented and joked about the strangeness of pillow talk with me. Then, one night after a vigorous round of slap and tickle, the subject of nut shots somehow came up. At this point I have no idea how this topic came up. Perhaps Tony had managed to bang his balls against something accidentally that day, or I vaguely remember him mentioning how his very young nephew occasionally would plop down and catch his nuts on the edge of a seat or something so maybe that’s what brought it up. Whatever the case, Tony posited that no matter what else has happened during a man’s day, if his testicles were at any point, in an way harmed he would end up mentioning it if, say, someone asks how his day is going.
Now, on its face that is a fairly simple, clear cut statement. Not having balls myself I can only really base my understanding on anecdotal evidence, but it seems to be the case that most men feel a great deal of pain when even a small amount of force or pressure is applied to their nuts; so, I can completely understand this occurrence being considered noteworthy. However, on this particular night I latched onto the suggestion that "no matter what else has happened to him that day" a man will always mention the nut shot. I could understand how it would get mentioned in the course of enumerating the events of a fairly normal day, but using the words "no matter what" seemed to include any strange and highly noteworthy occurrence that could possibly be conceived of realistically. So, I started listing off big, important possible occurrences which might make a man forget or neglect to mention his testicular trauma.
In the beginning that sounded something like this:
Me: He gets married, but early in the day something grazes his balls.
Tony: Yea, it’ll get mentioned.
Me: The birth of his first child.
Tony: Still gets mentioned.
Me: He has tickets to the Superbowl and his team wins.
Tony: Still mentioned.
Me: He’s a college football player in his senior year, it’s draft day and he got the call saying he was drafted for ridiculous amounts of money by the team he’s loved since he was 5 years old.
Tony: Still mentioned.
And so on in a similar vein, eventually including negative situations such as vehicular altercations, finding out your significant other in cheating or deaths of loved ones because negative circumstances started to seem more likely to overshadow the nut shot. But Tony’s response to every one was that the nut shot would get mentioned at least in passing. I was not deterred though, I started to come up with more elaborate, and in most cases gruesome, chains of events to try and find one where the nut shot became so insignificant in comparison that it wouldn’t get mentioned.
Me: Ok, black guy in the first half of the 20th century is out in the woods in the deep south at night for some reason. As he’s walking through the woods a low branch happens to swat him in the nuts, and then he stumbles upon a meeting of the KKK. They notice him and decide to tie him up and torture him. They do all kinds of horrible things to him, but they don’t kill him. The next day some people find him battered, bloody and possibly mildly mutilated on the side of a winding country road. When they ask what happened to him, does he mention the branch hitting his nuts.
Tony: Yea, in passing. Like "Well I was out in the woods and a branch hit my nuts and I thought things couldn’t get any worse but…"
Me: Alright… An Ally soldier in WW2 gets separated from his unit and is crossing an area full of trenches. He walks up to one of the trenches and finds a whole mess of Nazis. As he’s trying to quietly retreat and find a different route, a twig snaps and they capture him. This particular unit happen to be particularly sadistic and depraved and decide to gang rape the enemy soldier, beat him severely and then start cutting off extremities. This happens over the next few hours and during the course of it all his balls are hit, probably multiple times. Then they finally leave him for dead bleeding in the trench. He survives in a fevered semi- conscious state for two or three days before a group of Allied soldiers finds him and get him to a hospital behind their lines. Once he’s stable and conscious he’s asked to recount his experience. Does he mention getting hit in the nuts?
I think you get the idea. I came up with some really detailed situations, and every time Tony stuck with his original thesis that the nut shot will come up. Eventually I gave up, though I did not concede. I still believed there had to be some situation where it wouldn’t get mentioned.
Fast forward about 2, 2 1/2 years. Tony, The Keeper and I are all in the car sitting outside his house late at night after going out for some late night Denny’s. Somehow this topic reemerges and I suggest that Holocaust victims probably got kicked in the balls occasionally and that I imagine if I put this question to a Holocaust survivor they would probably feel that all the other torment they endured made the ball kicking kind of irrelevant. Tony considered this for a moment and then finally, after two years of sticking to his guns decided I was probably right about that and conceded.
And how fucked up am I? I got really excited and happy that I’d finally won… by using Holocaust victims as my trump card.
Yea, I’m goin to hell.