A Decent Proposal

As the title of this post suggests, The Keeper proposed to me recently. And he did a damn good job, too. So, I’ve decided to set him forth as an example for anyone out there who is trying to figure out how to go about this, apparently, daunting task.

First, here’s how it all went down:

We were on vacation in the Outer Banks. The Keeper and I had talked before the trip about having a picnic on the beach one of the nights of our vacation. So earlier in the day we bought a picnic basket/cooler and some wine. Then in the evening we grabbed a couple Subway sandwiches, packed them into the cooler with the wine and a couple of plastic mason jar cups with twisty straws, and hauled everything out onto the beach.

 

We tried to pick a place that the was both less populated and close to where we’d crossed the dunes. We ended up close to where we’d entered the beach, but overrun by small children hunting for ghost crabs shortly after we’d spread our blanket out and sat down. We ate our sandwiches and drank our wine and muttered about how it would be nice to have an unobstructed view of the ocean instead of a wall of small children. Eventually the adults that were with the children either decided it was getting too late or realized they were bothering us and they shepherded the kids down the beach some.

We finished our wine, watched the ocean until it got dark enough to see stars, and then laid out on our blanket looking up at the sky. We both exclaimed about how bright the stars were with no city lights to compete with, and then The Keeper said, “Man, this would’ve been a really good time to propose.” And I sort of chuckled and replied, “Oh you just thought of that?” And he said, “Nope”, and pulled out the ring box.

 

And that was pretty much it. He asked the question, I answered, we chatted a bit. Then we went back to the house we had rented.

Now, here are the lessons you should be taking away from this story if you’re trying to figure out how to propose:

1- Unless your partner has specifically said that they want to be put on the spot in front of a huge crowd of people, don’t. An informal poll of all of our female friends, both married and unmarried, suggests that the way The Keeper went about things was perfect. Most people don’t want their answer to such a huge question to be waited upon and scrutinized by a huge group of strangers. Or a huge group of family and friends for that matter. So either find somewhere secluded to pop the question, or if you have to do it in the middle of a crowd somewhere do it in a way that won’t draw the attention of the people around you. That means that if you’re in a restaurant, don’t do that one knee bullshit.

2- Choose a special place. It can be somewhere you go together often and both really like, or somewhere that’s special because it’s new and you’re both excited to be there experiencing it for the first time together. Just try to pick a place that will be worthy of the memory later on. I’m not generally super mushy or sentimental, but I do want to be able to tell people about this event and if the setting had been something boring he would have had to work way harder on the delivery for it to be a good story.

3- Do what feels right for you and your relationship. If it feels right to write out and rehearse a speech beforehand, do that. If it feels better to just wing it when it comes to the words, that’s fine. If you want to go down on one knee, great. If not, that’s ok too. Just take the other two points into account. If the location you’ve chosen means that getting down on one knee will draw a bunch of attention and you don’t know if your partner is ok with that, then either pick a new location or don’t do the knee thing.

That’s it. It’s that easy to get it right. Unless you’re with one of those weirdos who want some outlandish, grand, attention seeking gesture. I don’t know what to tell you about those people.

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He’s A Facebook Hating, Threesome Having Sumbitch

I’ve shared both these links on Twitter, but due to that whole 140 character limit thing on Twitter I couldn’t really share my thoughts about this guy beyond “This is remarkably stupid” and “Bwaahahahaha”.

Basically, there’s this church pastor in New Jersey who has decided, based on the number of couples he’s counseled who’ve had marital problems which seem (to him) to stem from Facebook, that the social networking site is dangerous. He has decreed that 50 officials of his church who are married need to choose between Facebook and being a church official, and he’s urging his congregation to delete their accounts as well. And this isn’t the first time he’s spoken up about the evils of Facebook. Seems he had already suggested to his congregation that they should share their logon info with their spouses.

Now, I am in no way a fan of Facebook. I don’t have an account there, and I don’t plan on ever creating one. I’ve been tempted a little by their farming games in the past, and I might, maybe, consider joining if this blog ever gets hugely popular; but overall I really have zero interest in Facebook on pretty much every level. So it might be surprising that I would give a shit what this guy in Jersey is blathering on about. Thing is, I don’t really give a shit about this guy. Let me explain.

Overall, I don’t think this asshat matters. He’s going to convince a percentage of however many people he preaches to in his church to delete their Facebook accounts, then some of those people are going to decide to get back on Facebook when they realize how much easier it makes keeping in touch with family and friends in far flung places. His idiocy isn’t likely to really hurt anyone in any meaningful way. However, I do think the whole thing is kind of stupid and stupid annoys me. Especially when it’s stupid that masquerades as almost reasonable and sensible.

This guy is in a position where he routinely hears about and attempts to help people with marital troubles. And over time he has observed a trend; apparently part of the troubles a lot of these couples are having is that one or both partners have reconnected with ex-loves on Facebook and doing so has put stress on their marriage. This is completely understandable. Some people are insecure about their partners’ exes. Some people don’t trust their spouses not to have affairs. Some of these people actually have affairs, which causes the marital stress. So it is almost reasonable to try and treat the symptom of Facebook supplying people with possible temptations. Almost, but not quite. The far more reasonable and more effective thing to do would be to treat the underlying “disease” (to stick with my medical analogy).

Instead of telling people to give their spouses their logon info, why not talk about how important trust is in a relationship? Instead of telling people that they should stay away from anything that might result in temptation, why not prepare them to stand up to that temptation by teaching them about honesty and integrity? And perhaps throw in some encouragement of open communication within relationships. Ya know, counsel people to talk to each other, identify insecurities and situations which could potentially cause hurt feelings, and then work on those things. Because, yea, Facebook might make cheating (whether emotionally or physically) easier but it isn’t the REASON that people turn to their ex or a friend or acquaintance. Telling people to delete their Facebook because it could lead to marital problems is like a doctor giving a gunshot victim morphine for the pain, but not removing the bullet or stitching up the wound. It’s just stupid.

Oh, and the other link I mentioned? Well, entertainingly enough someone dug up (probably in a weak attempt to discredit him) information about testimony he gave in a criminal case seven years ago in which he admits to having threesomes with his wife and another man. As far as I’m concerned this has absolutely no bearing on the stupidity or lack thereof of his feelings about Facebook. I just thought it was funny.

And in completely unrelated news, I’ve found a meme that I think may get me posting a little more. Two memes actually, but one is sex-based so that’s the one I’m going to do first. It’s called “30 Days of Kink” and I’m going to try to start it within the next few days. Here’s hoping I stick with it and you (all 3 of you) get new posts to read on a more regular basis.

Girl Fuck!

I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I would characterize myself as bisexual. I’ve never been in a relationship with another girl, nor have a just been casually intimate with any (unless you count the kiss I once received from a random chick in a DC club); however, I have been physically attracted to the female form since grade school and while I don’t tend to make female friends all that easily I have known a few who I believe I could have carried on a romantic relationship with. But I’m not here to delve into the complexities of sexuality at the moment, I’m here to share something that I found both informative and entertaining.

It’s a short comic explaining some of the basics of girl on girl sex. I already knew a lot of what was covered, and some of what was presented I didn’t completely agree with, but overall I think it’s probably a pretty good resource for any young, confused girls who are just discovering that they’re attracted to other girls and aren’t sure how to handle intimate situations.

Enjoy.

Control in Relationships

Last night was D&D night, so The Keeper and I journeyed over to the home of our friend, Dungeon Master. When we arrived we discovered that Dungeon Master had a friend visiting from out of town. Nothing terribly strange there. Well, while we were waiting for everyone else in the D&D group to show up we got to talking and eventually I decided to give Dungeon Master’s roommate/tenant/friend Tony (he doesn’t get a fun name because he has voluntarily shared his identity with the interwebs) a little shit for having not made a post on his blog in almost a month now. I said that in the week since I talked to Tony last I had made three blog posts, but Tony hasn’t written anything since the beginning of the month. Mentioning my blog shifted the focus of the conversation and Dungeon Master and Tony started commenting on how the Friend From Out of Town (FFOT) would probably meet with an early demise if he were to read my blog. This confused me, as I have not cast Explosive Runes on this blog anywhere. After some inquiry I determined that they were mostly joking, but they were referring to the likelihood of FFOT’s wife disapproving of the content of this blog and then punishing him for reading it.

Now, while I’m aware that this was probably just very much exaggerated joking, it still kind of bothered me.

First, I see absolutely no reason why anyone would want to control what their partner reads/watches/looks at to that degree. I cannot imagine it doing anything but causing distrust and resentment, so it makes no sense for someone to intentionally do this to their partner.

Second, I feel it’s just plain wrong do to that to someone and I can’t see why anyone would want to continue the relationship with someone who does this. It’s similar in my mind to abuse. In this example both parties are adults and they have children together. So, I can understand limiting what either person can look at or watch around the kids. Obviously watching hardcore porn with your kid in the room is just kind of weird. I watched porn as a kid, but it was something I discovered on my own not something which was *ahem* thrust upon me. There is definitely something wrong with the idea of an adult voluntarily and intentionally showing children porn. So, like I said, limiting the content of what is watched or looked at while children are present doesn’t bother me. Limiting the content of what someone can read silently to themselves while children are present? This makes no sense to me. Even if the kid can read, it’s not likely that they’ll end up reading over your shoulder without you knowing about it, and if you know about it obviously you could close the window/laptop/book and wait until the children went to do something else before starting to read again. Not difficult. Therefore, reading a blog with possibly questionable content while the kids are around seems like it should be no problem.

But that’s not the impression I got from FFOT, Tony and Dungeon Master. They didn’t seem to be limiting things to "if the kids are around". It sounded more like a situation where FFOT’s wife was controlling the content he was allowed to consume under any circumstances. He joked a little that he was "safe here" with her not around to know what websites he was looking at. I very sincerely hope that they were all joking like I think they were because this kind of thing bothers me a great deal. I’m a submissive and it still makes me angry. Maybe it’s just the stereotype of the controlling wife/girlfriend who emasculates her man, or maybe it’s just a basic visceral hatred of the idea of someone imposing their will on someone else in this completely senseless sort of way. Because that’s what it is, senseless. There is some sense to the condition of "when the children are around", but to tell your significant other that you don’t like something so they can’t read it or do it or watch it even though it doesn’t really cause any harm to anyone? THAT is completely unacceptable. Telling them that you’d prefer they didn’t watch/do/read whatever it is because it makes you worried or uncomfortable? Ok, that’s not bad really. That’s actually probably pretty good communication for a couple to have. But just altogether banning something just because you don’t like it and then making your significant other fear punishment if they go against your ban? No. If The Keeper ever did something like this it would cause a very deep rift and would require a great deal of communication to repair, if it could be repaired at all.