One day on the school bus when I was in first or second grade I met a girl called Patty. Patty was a year or two older than me and lived about a quarter of a mile down the road from my house. We became friends and exchanged phone numbers despite the age difference and I was frequently down at Patty’s house over the course of the next year or two before my family moved out of that school district.
Being a little older, Patty was more experienced in the ways of the world than I was. She got me to start "smoking", though it was only the butts of cigarettes and I don’t think I ever inhaled. I never really got much into smoking later in life beyond the occasional, social clove cigarette, joint/bowl or puff of sheeshah with friends though. No, the real impact that Patty had on me was in the formation of my attitudes about sex.
Patty was the first person to actually tell me what sex was. She was an early bloomer too and had, if I remember correctly, B cups already when she was about 9. I might be wrong about that, but the point is that she was more developed than I was and there were one or two occasions when I saw her topless. I thought she was gorgeous. Then there were the sleepovers. Patty’s parents didn’t seem to care if we stayed up later than them as long as we were quiet, and quite frequently that meant that we would stay up in her living room watching TV. We would flip through the channels trying to find anything that looked interesting, and we both seemed to find all the movies that showed naked women very interesting. We would sit on the couch and watch softcore porn on Cinemax until all hours.
I remember squirming in my seat a little every time I saw people touching each other on screen. I liked the feeling so much that a couple years later after we had moved and I wasn’t going over to Patty’s much anymore I would sneak downstairs late at night and watch the softcore at home, alone when my parents were sleeping. I remember that before the move I used to hold my pillow between my legs at night and rub against it because it felt good, and once I had a rudimentary understanding of what sex was I would sometimes put my hand inside the pillowcase and push my fingers against and into myself, pretending I was with a boy. After the move I started experimenting with other things. The only one I really remember specifically was a glass soda bottle I found in our new basement and washed off.
Then came the internet. I had a little experience with it through school, but you can’t log into chat rooms and have cyber sex at school. I remember having cyber sex when I was 12 or 13. It was much easier to hide that than it would have been to hide dirty pictures and my Dad knew more about computers than I did, so I was sure he could find pictures if I looked at them. The chats felt much safer.
About now you might be thinking that I’m building up to some confession of being a sex addict or having some sort of mental issues associated with all the porn at such an early age. Well you’d be wrong if you’re thinking that. If anything I think that my mostly self taught sexual education has contributed greatly to my current happiness. I have a healthy sexual appetite and an open-minded outlook about sex in general. There are things I don’t like or don’t agree with, but I’m not judgmental of others’ preferences and I think that having that attitude about sex has helped me to sort of automatically be more open-minded about other things as well. For instance, I grew up in an area that didn’t have many minorities but I never thought anything was weird when I saw someone of an exotic ethnicity or when I met a gay person for the first time. Things like that have never registered as abnormal to me and I think I owe it all to the porn, in a very roundabout way.